Sunday, August 26, 2012

The great indian Face-Off and after-effects

*What you are about to read is written in all seriousness and contains no joke whatsoever. If you find it funny, please leave your IP address and twitter handle in comments section (cc: Govt Of India)*

During past weeks, the whole incidents related to people leaving states to go back to their own (north-east in this case) have captured nation unlike any other in recent times. Ironically, this came barely weeks after Mary kom and Devendro (please Google them/their place of origin and consider shooting yourself) took the whole nation by surprise by displaying the unseen fighting spirit, literally and metaphorically on the biggest sporting arena in this world. Every north eastern guy was beaming with joy, because frankly speaking, how many of us can actually locate imphal, dispur or agartalla on Indian map, and more importantly, do you smell what I smell?
  But the whole phase was short lived and before any of them knew what happened, SMS started circulating in south Indian states, including Maharashtra blaming them (yes yes, all north eastern states same thing) for something related to Bangladeshi immigrants and some violence in Assam and asking them to leave the city/state and go back to their home state, whichever or wherever it may be. Some of these guys also beat up policemen and media persons because THAT totally makes sense. Wait this gets (I am going to hell for saying this), better. Our govt, as efficient as they are, did what most citizen friendly govts would do. They provided as many trains as were required for north eastern guys to flee while also trying to co-ax them to stay promising to ‘protect’ them because our national need to be secular beats the shit out of common sense any day. The ‘National No Shit Sherlock’ dept, also known as police dept in some parts of country according to unconfirmed reports expressed complete cluelessness at the turn of events and promised to take action against Pakistan by providing them with ample proof. Pakistan responded by banning ‘Ek Tha Tiger’ and was condemned all and sundry for the hideous action.

  Meanwhile, SMS’s and photo tagging was in full swing at the public wedding hall also known as face-book. It was when a tibetian guy (long story, they blurred it in rockstar) was stabbed with a knife and was warned to leave before the date that panic spread. But the problem with our PM is, he exhausted his entire madam approved speaking quota for the month on Independence Day itself and strongly condemning an action can very easily be done by secretaries as well. So, he ordered*(citation needed) that twitter shut down all his parody accounts as well (some word limit thing). Our govt swung into action again and, in between all the ‘they made money in auctioning coal’ ‘oh my god why is PM selling coal?’ ‘When will Poonam pandey take bath again?’ ‘Look, unicorn!’ ‘PM MUST RESIGN’, our all knowing, aryabhatta devotee, Mr. Kapil Sibal did what any rational thinking person in power would have done. He ordered to block twitter handles of random people because apparently you can’t shutdown internet, because lets be honest. People hell bent on killing each other, do keep tab on what people are writing on twitter and…. WHAT DID YOU JUST WRITE THERE? I AM GOING TO KILL MY NEIGHBOUR! Twitter started with blocking account of IT minister, to which most of government employee’s reaction was ‘don’t believe in rumors, we have no such ministry?’.
  At the time of writing, Apple is yet to announce its new phone and Suhel Seth & kargil ‘you-know-who’ journalist have whole-heartedly supported the decision. Mahesh Bhatt could not be reached. Arindam choudhry was quick to jump to bandwagon and wasted a lot of ink in the process of; you wont believe it, writing. Last heard, Rahul Gandhi was having lunch with a BPL family, the exact co-ordinates of which has not been revealed due to security reasons. If you are wondering how this helps distraught people in Assam or any of northeastern people, raise your hand. Now take that hand and try to make a 5 finger imprint on your cheeks.
  I would have commented on the turn of events and made an intellectual joke but sadly, I am yet to be a verified secular ideologist/fundamentalist/ left-right- east- west wing. 

I love my government. RAHUL GANDHI FOR PRESIDENT, oh wait.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The day superman died: Et tu Mr. Armstrong

Today morning while glancing through the usual kadharshian and Madonna stories in national daily supplement I saw my horoscope for the week which read, be prepared, there might be a theft in your place. Within half an hour of that, I open twitter and saw Lance Armstrong trending. The news that it bore was the theft as predicted. He quit fight against drug charges and will be stripped of all tour-de-France titles, all seven of them and will be banned for life from cycling. *Pause* link to article here.
   Sports persons keep getting involved in all sorts of drug allegations and why is this shattering news you ask? Remember the day when you found out that metro city didn’t exist on United States map and superman was a fictitious character? Or Captain vyom was strikingly similar to Star trek. When you google’d and found out that the princess you were looking for so desperately all your childhood didn’t actually exist in any castle whatsoever. Remember the feeling? You just couldn’t bring yourself to admit to the fact. You were short of words to react? You knew you couldn’t counter the facts because it was truth but deep down, you didn’t want to believe it. That.
  Mind you tour-de-France is no child’s play and he did it 7 times, after beating cancer. He was pinnacle of human spirit, proof that human determination can move mountains. He was the best thing to have happened to cancer patients since chemotherapy because he turned the doctor’s advice on its head and was back on road cycling and winning like before. he started lance armtsrong cancer foundation and was at the heart of the cancer support revolution which ahd people wearing rubber bands etched 'Livestrong'. He was the shinning light, like the beach lighthouse for tired sailors. He was the ‘aal iz well’ personified.

  So much so that when I was going through a tough phase some time back, I resorted to the life story of steve jobs and lance Armstrong and that helped me. Sheer fact that these gentlemen, if I may, braved all odds stacked against them and not only came out victorious but made history while doing so. It’s just uplifting. When you are down and dusted, looking up to people who have braved such situations does wonders to you and makes you get up and go for the kill again. Its like the single life jacket when your titanic is sinking. And when accusations are made against man of such stature, it shakes the whole belief one had in fairy tales and happy endings.
  Now I am no cycling sport fanatic. No sir. The only thing I know about cycling starts and ends with you. I know about the sport as much as Indian govt knows about governance, so to speak. I am even more clueless about drugs and how it spikes/helps/boosts performances. Heck, I didn’t even bother to Google the names that came up in your accusations. Because, I DON’T CARE. All I know is, you cheated. Of all people, it was you. It might result in you getting charged for cheating/doping and might even land you in prison. But you have lost a fan today. You would know the feeling, if the person you looked up all your life turns out to be a cheat.
  I am not angry sir, I am just……. disappointed.



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